The Summer Where Everything Changed

(hold on folks, this one's a long one)

This summer has been filled with a lot of blank space.

It was also the summer where everything changed. 

Long days, hot and humid, filled with either working or finding ways to distract myself from looking at the calendar and watching the days slowly tick away until I leave for college. I didn't expect this time in between two major chapters of my life to be as painfully slow as it has been.

It's been a rollercoaster of events. It's been trying to squeeze in time to be with friends before we all go our separate ways for college and trying to make money to spend in the city. It's been filled with enjoyable moments and others not as much so. 

I faced my first true heartbreak when we had to put my dog down in the midsts of August. Never have I experienced such a mixture of confusion, pain, and anger. Death is strange, and though we may try hard to understand its purpose, it's a part of life that we will never know. 

And as painful as it was, it made me appreciate everything I had around me. I leaned on my friends during this difficult time and they held me up. It is people like them that I will be forever grateful for. And it is them that I will miss dearly as we all head our separate ways. 

I've spent many summer nights with them, trying to live in the moment as much as I can before it is all changed. It's the last time that we will ever be together like this, all in one place, undisturbed, walking the streets we've walked together for years; laughing, crying, singing.

This summer was our last summer to take in what we have known for years. And now it's all changed. 

I escaped to the lake house for a few days. I forgot how much getting away from your every day life and away from technology can really help you. Taking time for your mental health is important, and sometimes I forget to slow down and breathe. 

Throughout this summer, I lived by three concepts:

Firstly, simplify. 

My anxiety began to get the best of me again at the end of my senior year and provoked overthinking which led to complicating things that truly were simple. I still deal with it day to day but I utilized the summer to take a step back and untangle all of the strings of my mind, take a deep breath, and simplify. 

Secondly, live in the present moment; it'll fade away. 

"If you are not in the present moment, you are elsewhere", a quote I began to repeat in my head from Cleo Wade's Heart Talk. All of my life I've been stuck thinking of what I will do next, what I will do when (insert something), or that I will be happy/better/successful when I (insert something). I never was truly here. I was the person constantly caught up in their head. 

I wanted to be present. I didn't want to constantly think ahead and have my entire life pass me by, or never truly be grateful for what I had in front of me at that moment. Sure, some moments are greater than others, and some we await to become reality, but it makes no difference if we aren't here now. 

And lastly, live and love. 

Too much, my fears have held me back from truly letting myself live and be who I crave to be most. This was a summer of letting go from the worst of myself. Letting it all wash away and breathe. 

In five short days, I'll be beginning a new chapter of my life, hopefully bringing all of the lessons I learned up to this point and the realizations I made this summer with me.

It'll be strange. It'll be different. Not being around the same people I see everyday will be odd, but it'll be exciting. 

I enjoy sharing with you the things that I've appreciated most throughout a month or a season. These are just a few of the things that made up the summer before everything changed:

WATCH

Mamma Mia — Nights and car rides, dancing and singing along to the soundtrack with my two closest friends after being amazed by the new film was a huge part of my summer. It'll forever be our movie and I'll forever remember shouting the lyrics out of tune, but full of passion. 

La La Land — Yes, I know that I am late (very painstakingly late) to this film, but it was entirely worth the wait and definitely never ceases to outlive time. Everything about this film amazed me from the use of color to the actors to the story line—it all blended together beautifully to create a time-capsule film. 

Shooting stars — A came over one night and we were talking outside when suddenly a shooting star came flying through the sky. He remembered then at the shock on my face that there was supposed to be a meteor shower that night, so we went inside the house, grabbed pillows from the couch, and laid in the road by the curb, watching the stars move through the sky, fast and slow; a spectacle of their own. I had never seen shooting stars (A had seen many), so this is definitely a memory that stood out to me.

READ

The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls — Maybe I am late to reading this, but this is one of the best books I have read in a long time. It's a memoir of a girl who grew up in a unique family to parents who probably shouldn't have been parents. This book was addictive. It was hard to put it down, and any free time that I had was consumed by reading another chapter.

Heart Talk by Cleo Wade — We all need some positivity and some love in our lives. After hearing about Wade's collection of poetry/self-help book from Madisen Kuhn a couple of months ago, I finally ordered it. It's helped me reconnect to being present every day, being grateful for the small things, establishing a love for myself and for others, and respect, too, for myself and my craft. It's a beautiful book filled with poems and little bits of advice from Wade. I read a section every morning and it really does help set up the mood for my day.

Educated by Tara Westover — It seems like I was on a kick for autobiographical books this summer. Something about people and how different our lives can be growing up and how that affects us when we are older interests me. Westover grew up in a very devoted Mormon family, where she didn't go to a public school, or really meet kids outside of her own family. She writes about it from a step back, a reflection upon the past that is in the present as she tells of her life in events from small to large and how they shaped her and her perception of the world. 

Michael Faudet — I already own Dirty Pretty Things and was floored by his poetry, but I purchased Smoke & Mirrors and it completely sealed it for me: Michael Faudet is one of my limited favorite poets. He just has a unique way of words that can't be explained. He's straightforward, honest, and very detailed, and pours his emotion into every piece.

PEOPLE

@PackageFreeShop — In my move towards being more eco-friendly as I transition to college, I stumbled across this company in NYC that provides eco-friendly products free of any plastic packaging to keep it waste-free. Along with having a store in the city, they also ship their products in post-consumer paper and recycled tape. It's a wonderful brand that I highly recommend checking out, and maybe even making some changes to be more eco-friendly for you and for the earth.

@NicoleTillotson —What an amazing, sweet human being. Not only is she talented, but she is one of the nicest people I have spoken to and I've never even met her. Nicole also has a blog (which is just as amazing as her), and her Instagram (and her) is beautiful. She's such a positive light, please go check her out.

@Isabella_Mente — Another amazing woman who inspires me. I had been following along as she traveled to Paris, and then to Amsterdam, and then . I've spoken before about her collection of poetry 7,300 days on my last blog. She's a wonderful poet and overall creator, sharing her work on her blog. 

@LeahLu —She spent her summer in Europe, hopping in and out of countries as freely as the wind, documenting her time there and her thoughts, which she shares openly. She also did all of the amazing illustrations in Madisen Kuhn's new collection of poetry. She also reviews music so there are always some good music finds from her. I love her vulnerability and openness about how she feels and the world she sees as she travels. Her captions are always something worth stopping to read. 

Florence Welch  — This woman has come to inspire me immensely this summer. Just how she is, how she takes on life amazes me, and this video of her house just inspires me in so many different ways. I have probably watched this ten times now, and somehow, it never gets old. 

EXPERIENCE

Spending a day without looking at the time — When you pause to think about it, we rely heavily on time, a thing that really is just a concept. It's a man-made idea that sections our day so that we can have structure and order. But what if you spend a day not looking at the time? If you live based off of feeling and desire? It's strange, I'll admit, but oddly enough, it does bring peace after a storm. 

Creating simply for fun — Making imperfections and mistakes in the creative process is what makes it a process. Just like anyone, I am my biggest critique.  I'll begin to write and scratch it out after the first line because I think it's too flat or cheesy—and I didn't realize how damaging that was to my writing. I wasn't enjoying it or even finishing anything because of my own mind.

Nothing is going to be perfect, especially the first draft. Taking up illustration has helped me with this because I have to learn all of the basics and make a lot of mistakes before getting to a finished product. But the best part about creating is that nothing is truly finished.

Illustrations —For the longest time, I have wanted to learn how to illustrate. I've admired the works of illustrators on Instagram such as Leah Lu, Laura Supnik, Resi Bhaskoro, and many others for a while now and was inspired by them to pick up the skill in the hopes of getting good at it eventually. I've been playing around with different styles of illustration, ways of creating dimension and character. 

Bookstores — I've always had a strong love for books—specifically a physical book. There's nothing like sitting down and having a book to read, to flip the pages and see how far you've gone. If I do purchase a book— I usually read the library copy first—I buy them from Amazon because they are often half of the price that you will find at a bookstore. But!—there is also nothing that compares to spending hours, going up and down the aisles of a bookstore, flipping over books and reading the synopses, and finding so many amazing titles. Of course, that makes me make a list and now I have a bunch of books that I want to read, but it's an activity that I forgot how much I love doing. 

Meditation — Taking a moment each day—even if it is five minutes—to sit down and breathe has helped me overcome some of my anxiety and thinned out the trail of marching thoughts that I deal with everyday. It really can define your entire day. 

LISTEN

Florence And The Machine — Florence's music has captured me. I hadn't listened to much of her before the beginning of August, and I don't know what it was that compelled me to search for her new album, but I am glad I did. Her lyrics reach for you and sink their claws into your soul, and hold on until the song is finished and you have heard each word, every note with clear distinction. Every single song on her new album, High As Hope, is a masterpiece. Truly beautiful.

My favorite song (at the moment) is Big God. The music video is absolutely beautiful. 

My new(ish) playlist — I redid almost all of my playlists over the summer, going through the large numbers of songs that I barely knew (let alone liked) and made a playlist of some of my favorite songs. It's one of my favorites that I have made and when I am not listening to that one, I'm listening to...

Chill Lofi Study Beats — I've been playing this Spotify playlist when I need something in the background that won't distract me, but will fill the silence. It has some really nice instrumentals on it. Highly recommend. 

Hidden Brain Podcast — An overall amazing podcast. It brings many different issues to light and discusses various concepts that I never would have thought about. It really is interesting. A great podcast to listen to in the morning or while doing work to learn about something new or dive deeper into a subject in ways you might not have thought about. 

LEFTOVERS

Reusable Straw — My local café finally got reusable stainless steel straws in different colors for purchase, and I quickly bought myself a rainbow one, and by far, it has been my best purchase of this summer. I take it with me anywhere in the case that I buy a drink. I use it for my smoothies, and sometimes just for my water bottle when I don't feel like risking a spill. It's a very useful thing to have and it's good for the environment.

There are a bunch of ways to buy a reusable straw: on Amazon, at your local health food store—maybe your local café like mine, or at bigger stores like Target. It's a great investment that is very inexpensive, and you are taking action to avoid the use of plastic straws, one of the greatest forms of plastic that is affecting our ecosystems. Makes you feel pretty good, I must say.

Going on walks — With the weather this nice, anyone who doesn't take advantage of it at least some point of the day is missing out, especially after the long winter that we had with snow still on the ground into early May. Taking a walk in the sun is a great way to clear my mind when I begin to overthink (a terrible habit of mine I have yet to evict).

And lastly...

This blog — One of my favorite things that I did this summer, hands down. I wanted a refresh with this next chapter of my life, and I had a specific vision for this website. I want to be more open, be more vulnerable, create a collection of my life, my thoughts, my experiences, etc. 

A lot of the beginning of the summer I was writing posts, fixing the layout, and taking photos with A for the blog, and I am very proud and happy with how it came out. And as I continue to work on it, I hope you like it too. 

Maybe you'll find something here that you'll fall in love with. Maybe you'll find something you forgot about that you once loved. 

Maybe—just maybe—you'll find comfort in my words. 

As always,
Rachel.